In a weird world

poem

2007-10-06T09:31:00.000-07:00

i lay languished in a world i knew nothing about
not daring to discover or move,
attempts were made to run
where i found my feet stuck
running and running in place
no way to get nowhere,
even death had no purpose here.
rumbling tumbling in anger and violence
only myself the victim targeted
only myself getting beaten, broken, bruised and sore,
only myself getting destroyed
every minute in every creative way.

recovering from a nightmare
seperating from a hell that devoured me
feeling calm i couldn't exist in
hell fought back against me
determined to not let peace overcome,
i cried for my loss
i cried in the unnatural feeling
i cried in the calm
not knowing who i was or what to do.
but peace overcame my evil
and learning began
learning of myself learning of the world around me,
experiencing new emotions
naming new feelings
it all began
it all ended.

therapy is working

2007-10-01T17:15:00.000-07:00

Since I last went this has been popping up in my face of how well I block things, it's popped up here and there.
I thought therapy was doing nothing but then I remembered I always want instant results, I hate waiting around and that is what the problem with therapy has been.
I know i've blocked it so well of how my mom treated me when I was a teenager I still have no memory of it, just pieces. But the other stuff that happened to me I know it's there I still see it sometimes but I just don't feel it, I am numb to it all and it's been a very good way to be, but it's also like a suffocating way to be, I feel like I can't breathe, it's always there in my mind but I don't feel it.

I've decided im going to bring this up in therapy on wednesday, someone told me therapy is about what I want and I should bring up what I want to talk about and not wait for her to mention things.
So that's what im going to do, I think im ready to begin with the stuff that is really bothering me, I can learn coping skills for my mom along the way, I think leaving the house is the best coping skill at least it's better then sitting in the house hurting myself because I can't handle her screaming and banging around, hurting myself has not entered my mind since the last time. That's been a good feeling too.

I know I have to be careful with what I bring out of myself, im not yet that stable and the therapist knows this too, but i've gone back to my old support group board and shared my fears of feeling I don't belong and everyone has been wonderful and accepting as usual so im feeling more comfortable being there again and someone is always in chat so if I have a hard time I know I can get support there.

sudden bad night

2007-09-30T23:49:00.000-07:00

having some sort of relapse or something, im trying to figure out what leads up to this and i think it might be online shopping, i haven't done it but for the past few days i have had the urge to do it but knowing my money needs to go to something more important has stopped me, but just now i've felt all the old feelings and i feel tired but im also feeling that not allowing me to sleep feeling.
so im writing this and then i am forcing myself to go to bed and hopefully things will be better when i wake up, seeing that familiar loss of hope again, but i have a little hope at least.

years ago was years ago

2007-09-30T19:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel sad that I didn't get help sooner, if I had gotten help in my teenage years when all this really started, who knows what I could have become. But I try to tell myself that I probably wouldn't have accepted help, I wasn't "allowed" to talk to doctors, they tried to help me when I was a small child but I wouldn't talk. And in my teenage years I thought something was wrong but I didn't know anyone else who was messed up so I just thought I must be normal so I continued on living in the hell of my mind, wishing I was dead everyday, finding false hope, trying to fix myself when I couldn't be fixed.
I just sometimes wonder what I could have been.
But now I try to see what I can be right now.

And another good day

2007-09-30T16:35:00.000-07:00

Only the youngest neice came down today and I can handle her a lot better when she is without her sister, only had a little stress but nothing too big.
Took a few nice pictures.

I liked how that first one came out.

And I put out my halloween kitty windsock

Marley kind of stressed me out on his walk, he just has no manners, I felt much better after we got him back in, since the day his leash snapped and he was running thinking I still had him and I almost killed myself trying to catch him, well i've been real nervous when taking him out, im getting him a new harness wednesday his is a little worn and I would just feel better with a new one.
Here is a picture of him when he was chewing on his piece of wood.

Good day

2007-09-29T18:07:00.000-07:00

Had a good day, nice and autumn like, a couple of good friends got me an ipod for my birthday and it came today, took me a while to figure it out but I got it now and have some nice calming songs on it, I was thinking about using it while I sleep, sometimes any little sound keeps me awake.
Had a good night last night for a while, was enjoying a good scary ghost movie and they snuck in scenes of people being tortured and I freaked out, everything came back and all I could do was sit there and stare in a complete numbed way, it was hard for me to be like that, I actually cried a little. But I took my pills and went to bed and knew I would feel better when I woke up.
A friend gave me a site that screens movies so I guess I will have to start using that, have to be careful about what I see now and that sucks, but it's better than losing my mind again.
So now im going to go play with my guinea pigs and then start on housework early since I go to bed early now.
And im hoping tomoroww my neices don't stress me out too much or my mom for that matter, but I think im learning how to not let her get to me, that will be a nice way to be.

a little about me

2007-09-28T17:03:00.000-07:00

A little bit about who I am now or maybe I should say who im not.
I think i've finally accepted the change.
The voices have stopped and the hallucinations, they only happen when im very badly stressed which I have a hard time trying to handle the really bad stress but it doesn't happen too often.
but it's really nice to not hear the voices anymore, I don't have anyone calling me stupid or other bad names anymore, and where just a few weeks ago one would try to call me something but I wouldn't agree or disagree, now they are no more.
I don't call myself stupid or anything either, so I guess I was really being controlled by these things because I don't really think im stupid maybe a little dumb about things but thats only because I don't know much about certain things in life.
But I don't put myself down and no one else does either anymore, and it's really really nice.
I still have a hard time looking at myself though, im still afraid if I do something bad will happen, it might be leftover fears but im still afraid to try. I have caught glances of myself and it kind of makes me feel a little current of anger just a little.
Also how I always said I was so fat, well that has stopped too! I just realized this today while talking to my dad about losing weight I suddenly realized I wasn't thinking I was fat anymore, actually i've looked at my legs and they don't even look as fat as they used too.
Isn't that weird!
It really is weird, im not saying im skinny but I don't think im as terrible as I thought I was.
Amazing who I used to be was not even me but some kind of insane stuff in my mind making me beleive these things, they were a constant everyday thing of insults and thoughts that I knew were true.

The silence was hard to deal with at first but im getting more used to it and even enjoying it.
The violence has stopped, and the anger, the fits I would have where I would just shake and bang my head against a wall or take a knife or fire to myself, or just curl up on the floor shaking and I couldn't move. All that has stopped, not even a glimpse of it.
Im not afraid of myself anymore, only by looking at myself but hopefully that will change in time.
And not being afraid of myself is the greatest thing, im not afraid to say anything, not afraid to speak my mind or share my thoughts, there is no one around to punish me or make me feel stupid or anything anymore.
I still have some anxiety being in public places and around a bunch of people, but I can handle it okay.
No scary or disgusting images forced into my mind, or thoughts of doing bad things.
The paranoia has gone away too.

I still don't know what to do with myself, but im trying to learn new things and see what things I like now, I guess I watch a lot of tv cause I don't know what else to do just yet, well I only watch it at night.
Im thinking about writing stories.
Im also on an anti depressant now so hopefully that will help me feel better too. That has been the thing bothering me the past few weeks was the depression.
But other than that my mind is very calm, nothing bad going on in there anymore.
I didn't think it was possible to ever feel this way, and I can't beleive that I waited so long to get help, it's just I never imagined I would have something awful wrong with my brain, I thought it was all just side effects of the abuse and stuff.
I've been sleeping really well, and it's weird because before I would feel sleepy at 2 or 3 and like I wanted to go to sleep but it was like something was stopping me from going to bed, almost like I wasn't allowed to go to bed until daylight, but now I get everything done by 2am and then im ready for bed and I go right to bed without any problems and fall asleep without any problems, well had a problem last night with a thorn in my foot hurting, which my dad dug that out for me today, I couldn't stand it any longer.
I can listen to my music now and not have it trigger something bad, certain movies im still not going to try just yet and I think I will never try certain ones again.
I just wanted to write about all the good things going on and all the bad things not happening anymore.
It was really hard the first few weeks, it just felt like everything was fighting against the medication and I guess it was, and everything was just messed up, but im glad I continued taking it and now I know it works and im really glad about that.

bad night

2007-09-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

dissociating really bad tonight. its a defense against the violence in my head.
trying to make it through okay. wishing i knew what was wrong.
i dont know.

i wonder

2007-09-10T23:53:00.000-07:00

wonder if it's okay for me to cry for what im losing, eventhough it was hell, it was my life, who i was, all i knew.
im kind of scared of this new stuff.

catch up

2007-09-10T22:47:00.001-07:00

im gonna try and write in here everyday even if it's just one word, just need to try and keep things straight. im learning a lot about myself.
last week was a bad week, went back to the way things were and when i went to see the doctor friday and told her how i was feeling and the first thing she asked me was what has been stressing me out and i realized a lot of things were.
so she put me on a higher dose of medicine that will hopefully help me manage things better.
saturday night was a bad night, not too awful bad but just icky in my head, i didn't like that at all.
thankfully the past few nights have been okay.
things are becoming really weird for me, im finding out that i have to find new things to do and find other intrests besides hurting myself cause i don't want to hurt myself anymore, it's hard, i don't know what to do, don't really feel creative enough to write. and i feel like im on the outside now looking into my mind and i don't like that, but realizing that's why i was feeling kind of bad has helped me feel a little better because that's what it is like, im just seeing who i was before and what a hideous mess it was.

i've found that i can't watch the same kind of movies i did before, serial killer types, i haven't tried and monster movies yet, just silent hill and that messed me up really good but that one kind of did before anyway.
that's frustrating cause i don't know what i can watch, i wanted to go see halloween but i put it off, i don't know if i can handle it so i don't want to watch it in a public place, i will just try it when it comes out on dvd.
im hoping this will pass but i don't know if it will, those kind of movies i watched all the time and now im finding that they trigger something weird in my mind.
it sucks cause most of my movies are that kind.

trying to keep my thoughts straight here, still having a bit of a time doing that.
my aunt has noticed changes in me, she says im more open with how im feeling and more talkative, im finding i like to hang around people a little more, and i also never realized just how different people are in shapes and sizes and looks, what a weird world i lived in, never noticing anything about others just that people were bad and shouldn't be looked at. but now i catch myself meeting eyes and not quickly turning away.

well i should stop talking right now, things are not yet that calm and im starting to say too much.
i will try to write here tomoroww.

what world is this?

2007-08-28T01:24:00.001-07:00

it's the world i grew up in, the world im used too, the only place i've ever known.
yet suddenly im finding it a scary unfamiliar place.
the images i see that brought me "peace" now only torment me with their darkness, air smelling of rotting things.
could this be part of the medication? could it be changing things?
it's like something out of a movie, like silent hill where the surroundings change into terrible things and you see it happening, i see it happening, i see surfaces being removed to show scary things that once was my whole world.
memories are disgusting, always have been but now they feel unbearable, i feel like i can't go on sometimes, like i could just fall to the floor and never move again, i also feel like i could never sleep again, i just feel like i can never do anything.
it was a sudden feeling i got tonight, i was having such a good night after a couple of bad moments that seemed to float away.
i did some nice cleaning in my room and i felt really good and at peace, i wish it could always be that way.
now i just feel scared and nervous and i feel like i could cry.
i also feel like i should stop therapy, i feel stupid for going.
but i will go today and see what happens.
maybe i should tell her of these things.

i just want that peaceful feeling back where i felt like doing things, its so nice to want to do stuff. i've been so numb and frozen for so long, i just want the images and voices and fear to go away.

Weekend Times

2007-08-27T02:02:00.000-07:00

so friday when i went to see the psychatrist and talking to her, it's so hard to talk to anyone about this stuff outloud especially the ones who are trying to help me, i go to say something and a voice screams at me and i stop and i know i look like an idiot, this happened all the time i was with the doctor and therapist, and she asked me if they were talking now and i said yeah she asked me what they were saying and i told her they were telling me to shut up, she asked me if i knew why they didn't want me to talk and i said no and she said maybe it's because they don't want me to take anything to make them go away, i kind of laughed cause it seemed like i should have known that.
well she gave me some medication and then asked me what they were saying now and they were not saying anything, she said i bet they will have something to say about it later, well i just kind of laughed and said yeah, and hoped the fear wasn't in my eyes because i was scared of what would happen when i started taking it, not just the effects of taking it but the violence towards myself, screaming and stuff.

it's hard, it's really hard to be doing this because im so used to beleiving the words these things say and it's just natural for me to beleive them when they tell me nothing is wrong with me, that im just making all this stuff up and im being really stupid and i shouldn't take the medication, i shouldn't be getting help.
then i feel an almost peaceful feeling, i have been for the past two days, well since i started taking the medication, im pretty sure it's not the medication yet?
because they are still there, i see them and hear the whispers that suddenly turn into screaming, it's like something is trying to make me feel okay so i will stop this nonsense and i beleive it, but im still taking it because i remember all through the years i have had peaceful times like that too where i thought i was better, but things are still there.

i hurt myself today(now i hear trent singing in my head :-p) well i had been feeling very weird all day, nervous, very nervous, my dad asked me if the pills were working and i told him it would be two weeks before anything fully set in, he asked me that yesterday too, i don't know why he is asking.
well my mom was in a terrible pissy mood like she usually is on sunday's sometimes, and i just felt like she was attacking me, like she was being mean to me, just me, i walked by her and heard her scream my name and i jumped and she jumped too, turns out she had told me to give something to my dad but i didn't hear her the first time, but dammit she didn't have to freaking scream!
the tears came to my eyes and i saw her looking at me funny, and i just got some coffee and rushed back up here and shut the door and locked it, never wanting to see anyone again.
voices promising everything would be okay if i just hurt myself, that i would be happy and everyone would be perfect, and why do i still beleive them? i always get the same result, it's not true!
so i burnt myself and it didn't hurt, did it again it still didn't hurt! so i did it a third time, it hurt but not that bad, i thought what the hell is going on! i heard that i would have to do something worse, no i wasn't, i didn't want too, i jumped up, cleaned out the litter boxes, cleaned up after my piglets and went downstairs where my brother and everyone was, was hard being around people, really hard, i kept seeing things, i kept jumping and screaming because something would jump out at me, i told my mom bugs were after me, she just laughed, i was glad to see her smiling and laughing.
i felt better.
then sitting on the porch i started to get cramping in my stomach, well you know the usual monthly thing and i wondered what was wrong, then i realized the time of the month and i screamed, its my eggs cracking open!! oh my god everyone started laughing and i started laughing, it was really funny!
that was really nice.

anyway, i have therapy tuesday and im going to talk to her about all this stuff im feeling and find out if it's true that i don't need help.
im glad it's tuesday cause if it was later in the week, i don't think i could make it.
i need to start writing the side effects down from these pills, im glad the dry mouth wasn't there today, i hated that, i felt like i needed to drink more and smoke more to try and get rid of it, just today coffee tasted like crap.
yeah i had told my dad about the side effects i was having and i told him in all seriousness that i think im in hell, im glad he didn't laugh because i was serious and laughing might have freaked me out.
but i say that because of the dry mouth which i hate and i never could stand when i would get that sometimes from certain things, and then my coffee tasting like water or some gas station coffee, well it felt like, i don't know how to describe it, like something was trying to torture me, i can't explain it, maybe you will know what i mean.
i swear to god if i have a terrible side effect tomoroww, something that i cannot stand, i don't think i can go through this.
but i will try.
im planning on mowing the grass tomoroww, i haven't mowed it in a month or more! my dad mowed the front yard for me, but he can't get the riding mower in the backyard, he could use the push mower but he isn't going to do that :-p
but the tall grass quit bothering me long ago and no one ever bitched about it, even my mom and that was a shock, i guess she could tell something was up with me, i guess my sitting on the back porch unable to move at times even to lift my cigarette up to smoke it, kind of made her think.