Monday, August 27, 2007

Weekend Times

so friday when i went to see the psychatrist and talking to her, it's so hard to talk to anyone about this stuff outloud especially the ones who are trying to help me, i go to say something and a voice screams at me and i stop and i know i look like an idiot, this happened all the time i was with the doctor and therapist, and she asked me if they were talking now and i said yeah she asked me what they were saying and i told her they were telling me to shut up, she asked me if i knew why they didn't want me to talk and i said no and she said maybe it's because they don't want me to take anything to make them go away, i kind of laughed cause it seemed like i should have known that.
well she gave me some medication and then asked me what they were saying now and they were not saying anything, she said i bet they will have something to say about it later, well i just kind of laughed and said yeah, and hoped the fear wasn't in my eyes because i was scared of what would happen when i started taking it, not just the effects of taking it but the violence towards myself, screaming and stuff.

it's hard, it's really hard to be doing this because im so used to beleiving the words these things say and it's just natural for me to beleive them when they tell me nothing is wrong with me, that im just making all this stuff up and im being really stupid and i shouldn't take the medication, i shouldn't be getting help.
then i feel an almost peaceful feeling, i have been for the past two days, well since i started taking the medication, im pretty sure it's not the medication yet?
because they are still there, i see them and hear the whispers that suddenly turn into screaming, it's like something is trying to make me feel okay so i will stop this nonsense and i beleive it, but im still taking it because i remember all through the years i have had peaceful times like that too where i thought i was better, but things are still there.

i hurt myself today(now i hear trent singing in my head :-p) well i had been feeling very weird all day, nervous, very nervous, my dad asked me if the pills were working and i told him it would be two weeks before anything fully set in, he asked me that yesterday too, i don't know why he is asking.
well my mom was in a terrible pissy mood like she usually is on sunday's sometimes, and i just felt like she was attacking me, like she was being mean to me, just me, i walked by her and heard her scream my name and i jumped and she jumped too, turns out she had told me to give something to my dad but i didn't hear her the first time, but dammit she didn't have to freaking scream!
the tears came to my eyes and i saw her looking at me funny, and i just got some coffee and rushed back up here and shut the door and locked it, never wanting to see anyone again.
voices promising everything would be okay if i just hurt myself, that i would be happy and everyone would be perfect, and why do i still beleive them? i always get the same result, it's not true!
so i burnt myself and it didn't hurt, did it again it still didn't hurt! so i did it a third time, it hurt but not that bad, i thought what the hell is going on! i heard that i would have to do something worse, no i wasn't, i didn't want too, i jumped up, cleaned out the litter boxes, cleaned up after my piglets and went downstairs where my brother and everyone was, was hard being around people, really hard, i kept seeing things, i kept jumping and screaming because something would jump out at me, i told my mom bugs were after me, she just laughed, i was glad to see her smiling and laughing.
i felt better.
then sitting on the porch i started to get cramping in my stomach, well you know the usual monthly thing and i wondered what was wrong, then i realized the time of the month and i screamed, its my eggs cracking open!! oh my god everyone started laughing and i started laughing, it was really funny!
that was really nice.

anyway, i have therapy tuesday and im going to talk to her about all this stuff im feeling and find out if it's true that i don't need help.
im glad it's tuesday cause if it was later in the week, i don't think i could make it.
i need to start writing the side effects down from these pills, im glad the dry mouth wasn't there today, i hated that, i felt like i needed to drink more and smoke more to try and get rid of it, just today coffee tasted like crap.
yeah i had told my dad about the side effects i was having and i told him in all seriousness that i think im in hell, im glad he didn't laugh because i was serious and laughing might have freaked me out.
but i say that because of the dry mouth which i hate and i never could stand when i would get that sometimes from certain things, and then my coffee tasting like water or some gas station coffee, well it felt like, i don't know how to describe it, like something was trying to torture me, i can't explain it, maybe you will know what i mean.
i swear to god if i have a terrible side effect tomoroww, something that i cannot stand, i don't think i can go through this.
but i will try.
im planning on mowing the grass tomoroww, i haven't mowed it in a month or more! my dad mowed the front yard for me, but he can't get the riding mower in the backyard, he could use the push mower but he isn't going to do that :-p
but the tall grass quit bothering me long ago and no one ever bitched about it, even my mom and that was a shock, i guess she could tell something was up with me, i guess my sitting on the back porch unable to move at times even to lift my cigarette up to smoke it, kind of made her think.

No comments: