Tuesday, August 28, 2007

what world is this?

it's the world i grew up in, the world im used too, the only place i've ever known.
yet suddenly im finding it a scary unfamiliar place.
the images i see that brought me "peace" now only torment me with their darkness, air smelling of rotting things.
could this be part of the medication? could it be changing things?
it's like something out of a movie, like silent hill where the surroundings change into terrible things and you see it happening, i see it happening, i see surfaces being removed to show scary things that once was my whole world.
memories are disgusting, always have been but now they feel unbearable, i feel like i can't go on sometimes, like i could just fall to the floor and never move again, i also feel like i could never sleep again, i just feel like i can never do anything.
it was a sudden feeling i got tonight, i was having such a good night after a couple of bad moments that seemed to float away.
i did some nice cleaning in my room and i felt really good and at peace, i wish it could always be that way.
now i just feel scared and nervous and i feel like i could cry.
i also feel like i should stop therapy, i feel stupid for going.
but i will go today and see what happens.
maybe i should tell her of these things.

i just want that peaceful feeling back where i felt like doing things, its so nice to want to do stuff. i've been so numb and frozen for so long, i just want the images and voices and fear to go away.

No comments: