Saturday, October 6, 2007


i lay languished in a world i knew nothing about
not daring to discover or move,
attempts were made to run
where i found my feet stuck
running and running in place
no way to get nowhere,
even death had no purpose here.
rumbling tumbling in anger and violence
only myself the victim targeted
only myself getting beaten, broken, bruised and sore,
only myself getting destroyed
every minute in every creative way.

recovering from a nightmare
seperating from a hell that devoured me
feeling calm i couldn't exist in
hell fought back against me
determined to not let peace overcome,
i cried for my loss
i cried in the unnatural feeling
i cried in the calm
not knowing who i was or what to do.
but peace overcame my evil
and learning began
learning of myself learning of the world around me,
experiencing new emotions
naming new feelings
it all began
it all ended.

Monday, October 1, 2007

therapy is working

Since I last went this has been popping up in my face of how well I block things, it's popped up here and there.
I thought therapy was doing nothing but then I remembered I always want instant results, I hate waiting around and that is what the problem with therapy has been.
I know i've blocked it so well of how my mom treated me when I was a teenager I still have no memory of it, just pieces. But the other stuff that happened to me I know it's there I still see it sometimes but I just don't feel it, I am numb to it all and it's been a very good way to be, but it's also like a suffocating way to be, I feel like I can't breathe, it's always there in my mind but I don't feel it.

I've decided im going to bring this up in therapy on wednesday, someone told me therapy is about what I want and I should bring up what I want to talk about and not wait for her to mention things.
So that's what im going to do, I think im ready to begin with the stuff that is really bothering me, I can learn coping skills for my mom along the way, I think leaving the house is the best coping skill at least it's better then sitting in the house hurting myself because I can't handle her screaming and banging around, hurting myself has not entered my mind since the last time. That's been a good feeling too.

I know I have to be careful with what I bring out of myself, im not yet that stable and the therapist knows this too, but i've gone back to my old support group board and shared my fears of feeling I don't belong and everyone has been wonderful and accepting as usual so im feeling more comfortable being there again and someone is always in chat so if I have a hard time I know I can get support there.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

sudden bad night

having some sort of relapse or something, im trying to figure out what leads up to this and i think it might be online shopping, i haven't done it but for the past few days i have had the urge to do it but knowing my money needs to go to something more important has stopped me, but just now i've felt all the old feelings and i feel tired but im also feeling that not allowing me to sleep feeling.
so im writing this and then i am forcing myself to go to bed and hopefully things will be better when i wake up, seeing that familiar loss of hope again, but i have a little hope at least.

years ago was years ago

Sometimes I feel sad that I didn't get help sooner, if I had gotten help in my teenage years when all this really started, who knows what I could have become. But I try to tell myself that I probably wouldn't have accepted help, I wasn't "allowed" to talk to doctors, they tried to help me when I was a small child but I wouldn't talk. And in my teenage years I thought something was wrong but I didn't know anyone else who was messed up so I just thought I must be normal so I continued on living in the hell of my mind, wishing I was dead everyday, finding false hope, trying to fix myself when I couldn't be fixed.
I just sometimes wonder what I could have been.
But now I try to see what I can be right now.

And another good day

Only the youngest neice came down today and I can handle her a lot better when she is without her sister, only had a little stress but nothing too big.
Took a few nice pictures.

I liked how that first one came out.

And I put out my halloween kitty windsock

Marley kind of stressed me out on his walk, he just has no manners, I felt much better after we got him back in, since the day his leash snapped and he was running thinking I still had him and I almost killed myself trying to catch him, well i've been real nervous when taking him out, im getting him a new harness wednesday his is a little worn and I would just feel better with a new one.
Here is a picture of him when he was chewing on his piece of wood.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Good day

Had a good day, nice and autumn like, a couple of good friends got me an ipod for my birthday and it came today, took me a while to figure it out but I got it now and have some nice calming songs on it, I was thinking about using it while I sleep, sometimes any little sound keeps me awake.
Had a good night last night for a while, was enjoying a good scary ghost movie and they snuck in scenes of people being tortured and I freaked out, everything came back and all I could do was sit there and stare in a complete numbed way, it was hard for me to be like that, I actually cried a little. But I took my pills and went to bed and knew I would feel better when I woke up.
A friend gave me a site that screens movies so I guess I will have to start using that, have to be careful about what I see now and that sucks, but it's better than losing my mind again.
So now im going to go play with my guinea pigs and then start on housework early since I go to bed early now.
And im hoping tomoroww my neices don't stress me out too much or my mom for that matter, but I think im learning how to not let her get to me, that will be a nice way to be.

Friday, September 28, 2007

a little about me

A little bit about who I am now or maybe I should say who im not.
I think i've finally accepted the change.
The voices have stopped and the hallucinations, they only happen when im very badly stressed which I have a hard time trying to handle the really bad stress but it doesn't happen too often.
but it's really nice to not hear the voices anymore, I don't have anyone calling me stupid or other bad names anymore, and where just a few weeks ago one would try to call me something but I wouldn't agree or disagree, now they are no more.
I don't call myself stupid or anything either, so I guess I was really being controlled by these things because I don't really think im stupid maybe a little dumb about things but thats only because I don't know much about certain things in life.
But I don't put myself down and no one else does either anymore, and it's really really nice.
I still have a hard time looking at myself though, im still afraid if I do something bad will happen, it might be leftover fears but im still afraid to try. I have caught glances of myself and it kind of makes me feel a little current of anger just a little.
Also how I always said I was so fat, well that has stopped too! I just realized this today while talking to my dad about losing weight I suddenly realized I wasn't thinking I was fat anymore, actually i've looked at my legs and they don't even look as fat as they used too.
Isn't that weird!
It really is weird, im not saying im skinny but I don't think im as terrible as I thought I was.
Amazing who I used to be was not even me but some kind of insane stuff in my mind making me beleive these things, they were a constant everyday thing of insults and thoughts that I knew were true.

The silence was hard to deal with at first but im getting more used to it and even enjoying it.
The violence has stopped, and the anger, the fits I would have where I would just shake and bang my head against a wall or take a knife or fire to myself, or just curl up on the floor shaking and I couldn't move. All that has stopped, not even a glimpse of it.
Im not afraid of myself anymore, only by looking at myself but hopefully that will change in time.
And not being afraid of myself is the greatest thing, im not afraid to say anything, not afraid to speak my mind or share my thoughts, there is no one around to punish me or make me feel stupid or anything anymore.
I still have some anxiety being in public places and around a bunch of people, but I can handle it okay.
No scary or disgusting images forced into my mind, or thoughts of doing bad things.
The paranoia has gone away too.

I still don't know what to do with myself, but im trying to learn new things and see what things I like now, I guess I watch a lot of tv cause I don't know what else to do just yet, well I only watch it at night.
Im thinking about writing stories.
Im also on an anti depressant now so hopefully that will help me feel better too. That has been the thing bothering me the past few weeks was the depression.
But other than that my mind is very calm, nothing bad going on in there anymore.
I didn't think it was possible to ever feel this way, and I can't beleive that I waited so long to get help, it's just I never imagined I would have something awful wrong with my brain, I thought it was all just side effects of the abuse and stuff.
I've been sleeping really well, and it's weird because before I would feel sleepy at 2 or 3 and like I wanted to go to sleep but it was like something was stopping me from going to bed, almost like I wasn't allowed to go to bed until daylight, but now I get everything done by 2am and then im ready for bed and I go right to bed without any problems and fall asleep without any problems, well had a problem last night with a thorn in my foot hurting, which my dad dug that out for me today, I couldn't stand it any longer.
I can listen to my music now and not have it trigger something bad, certain movies im still not going to try just yet and I think I will never try certain ones again.
I just wanted to write about all the good things going on and all the bad things not happening anymore.
It was really hard the first few weeks, it just felt like everything was fighting against the medication and I guess it was, and everything was just messed up, but im glad I continued taking it and now I know it works and im really glad about that.