Monday, September 10, 2007

catch up

im gonna try and write in here everyday even if it's just one word, just need to try and keep things straight. im learning a lot about myself.
last week was a bad week, went back to the way things were and when i went to see the doctor friday and told her how i was feeling and the first thing she asked me was what has been stressing me out and i realized a lot of things were.
so she put me on a higher dose of medicine that will hopefully help me manage things better.
saturday night was a bad night, not too awful bad but just icky in my head, i didn't like that at all.
thankfully the past few nights have been okay.
things are becoming really weird for me, im finding out that i have to find new things to do and find other intrests besides hurting myself cause i don't want to hurt myself anymore, it's hard, i don't know what to do, don't really feel creative enough to write. and i feel like im on the outside now looking into my mind and i don't like that, but realizing that's why i was feeling kind of bad has helped me feel a little better because that's what it is like, im just seeing who i was before and what a hideous mess it was.

i've found that i can't watch the same kind of movies i did before, serial killer types, i haven't tried and monster movies yet, just silent hill and that messed me up really good but that one kind of did before anyway.
that's frustrating cause i don't know what i can watch, i wanted to go see halloween but i put it off, i don't know if i can handle it so i don't want to watch it in a public place, i will just try it when it comes out on dvd.
im hoping this will pass but i don't know if it will, those kind of movies i watched all the time and now im finding that they trigger something weird in my mind.
it sucks cause most of my movies are that kind.

trying to keep my thoughts straight here, still having a bit of a time doing that.
my aunt has noticed changes in me, she says im more open with how im feeling and more talkative, im finding i like to hang around people a little more, and i also never realized just how different people are in shapes and sizes and looks, what a weird world i lived in, never noticing anything about others just that people were bad and shouldn't be looked at. but now i catch myself meeting eyes and not quickly turning away.

well i should stop talking right now, things are not yet that calm and im starting to say too much.
i will try to write here tomoroww.

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