Friday, September 28, 2007

a little about me

A little bit about who I am now or maybe I should say who im not.
I think i've finally accepted the change.
The voices have stopped and the hallucinations, they only happen when im very badly stressed which I have a hard time trying to handle the really bad stress but it doesn't happen too often.
but it's really nice to not hear the voices anymore, I don't have anyone calling me stupid or other bad names anymore, and where just a few weeks ago one would try to call me something but I wouldn't agree or disagree, now they are no more.
I don't call myself stupid or anything either, so I guess I was really being controlled by these things because I don't really think im stupid maybe a little dumb about things but thats only because I don't know much about certain things in life.
But I don't put myself down and no one else does either anymore, and it's really really nice.
I still have a hard time looking at myself though, im still afraid if I do something bad will happen, it might be leftover fears but im still afraid to try. I have caught glances of myself and it kind of makes me feel a little current of anger just a little.
Also how I always said I was so fat, well that has stopped too! I just realized this today while talking to my dad about losing weight I suddenly realized I wasn't thinking I was fat anymore, actually i've looked at my legs and they don't even look as fat as they used too.
Isn't that weird!
It really is weird, im not saying im skinny but I don't think im as terrible as I thought I was.
Amazing who I used to be was not even me but some kind of insane stuff in my mind making me beleive these things, they were a constant everyday thing of insults and thoughts that I knew were true.

The silence was hard to deal with at first but im getting more used to it and even enjoying it.
The violence has stopped, and the anger, the fits I would have where I would just shake and bang my head against a wall or take a knife or fire to myself, or just curl up on the floor shaking and I couldn't move. All that has stopped, not even a glimpse of it.
Im not afraid of myself anymore, only by looking at myself but hopefully that will change in time.
And not being afraid of myself is the greatest thing, im not afraid to say anything, not afraid to speak my mind or share my thoughts, there is no one around to punish me or make me feel stupid or anything anymore.
I still have some anxiety being in public places and around a bunch of people, but I can handle it okay.
No scary or disgusting images forced into my mind, or thoughts of doing bad things.
The paranoia has gone away too.

I still don't know what to do with myself, but im trying to learn new things and see what things I like now, I guess I watch a lot of tv cause I don't know what else to do just yet, well I only watch it at night.
Im thinking about writing stories.
Im also on an anti depressant now so hopefully that will help me feel better too. That has been the thing bothering me the past few weeks was the depression.
But other than that my mind is very calm, nothing bad going on in there anymore.
I didn't think it was possible to ever feel this way, and I can't beleive that I waited so long to get help, it's just I never imagined I would have something awful wrong with my brain, I thought it was all just side effects of the abuse and stuff.
I've been sleeping really well, and it's weird because before I would feel sleepy at 2 or 3 and like I wanted to go to sleep but it was like something was stopping me from going to bed, almost like I wasn't allowed to go to bed until daylight, but now I get everything done by 2am and then im ready for bed and I go right to bed without any problems and fall asleep without any problems, well had a problem last night with a thorn in my foot hurting, which my dad dug that out for me today, I couldn't stand it any longer.
I can listen to my music now and not have it trigger something bad, certain movies im still not going to try just yet and I think I will never try certain ones again.
I just wanted to write about all the good things going on and all the bad things not happening anymore.
It was really hard the first few weeks, it just felt like everything was fighting against the medication and I guess it was, and everything was just messed up, but im glad I continued taking it and now I know it works and im really glad about that.

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